COWT; The Raven Cycle; In sleepless green

[ephitomis]

Title: In sleepless green
Fandom: The Raven cycle
Notes: Written for the prompt "Addormentarsi e sognare " for COWT9
Wordcount: 14258
Summary: Ronan's horse is sick and the only one that seems to be able to help him is the herbalist that lives just outside of town.

Ronan hates many things and many ones and that was well known across the kingdom. He hated the stuffy and goodie-two-shoes guards of the castle, he hated the pretentious nobles that only wanted to show off their power and their money to anyone ready to listen. He hated how everyone acted at the castle, really, and only stayed because of Gansey and his little brother.
Anyone else could just die for all he cared.
The one thing Ronan doesn’t hate is his horse. He’s had BMW since he was little and his enjoyed making up different reasons for his name ever since.
Ronan enjoys the speed BMW allows him to reach, when they are galloping through the fields with no one else to stop the or bother them; he enjoys the feeling of freedom, the wind in his hair and the vast expanse of nothing in front of him.
Riding BMW is one of the few things that makes the demons and the nightmares quiet, that allows Ronan to breathe and that’s why he does it as much as possible, at any hour of the day, much to Matty and Gansey’s chagrin. He knows they don’t really understand, that they’d like for him stand still, be somewhere where’s safe.
But the truth is that Ronan isn’t safe anywhere, much less in his room where his mind is free to roam and dream.
Still, today it’s not one of his nightly explorations. He reaches the stables at a normal hour, sees the servants taking care of the other horses and beelines towards BMW. His place is at the end of the stable, and he’s never too friendly with most of the servants and that usually means not too many of them are around him. Ronan really loves his horse.
"We're going out," he says, pouding onto the door to BMW's stable and expecting the usual greeting. Usually BMW's head will immediately move towards him, excited to be able to go riding, but today the horse remains passive, looking at him.
Immediately Ronan realizes there's something wrong. He knows his own horse, sometimes better than he knows people, and he immediately panics.
He turns towards one of the servants and almost growls: "Call someone, my horse is sick."
Ronan can see the servant cowering in fear but nodding and rushing away. Ronan immediately enters the stable, and starts caressing the horse's neck. BMW doesn't even try to see if Ronan has any apple for him (of course Ronan does, just like every other time).
If something really happened to BMW, what would he do?
He doesn't think he can live with the idea of losing BMW so soon.

They have the best of medics at court, but they specialize in medicine for humans and not for animals. They tell him they don't know what they can do for BMW, that it's probably a fever of some kind, but they aren't sure how to mix something for him.
Ronan knew they were all completely useless.
He growls at all of them, and they immediately flee. He goes to BMW immediately, petting him and trying not to feel as useless as he does.
Is there really no way to help the animal? Is he really so useless? He could try and dream something, but without knowing what he should be dreaming, he isn't sure what would come out.
He could kill BMW without even wanting to. Or he could bring out something much worse. It's too risky,
The useless doctors are all in agreement that the horse should be fine in a week or two, but that's not enough for Ronan. Still, he decides not to leave the side of his horse until he sees some sign that he's gettin better.
Gansey arrives three hours later. "You skipped training," he tells Ronan. He's not annoyed, but there's a hint of anger in his tone. "You promised you wouldn't do it again."
"BMW is sick," Ronan responds, hoping that Gansey will understand why none of his usual spew will be working today.
Gansey is his best friend for a reason.
The crown prince walks towards him and squats in the dirt and muck of the stable and looks at Ronan's horse. "I'm sorry. Have you asked the doctors?"
"Of course I have," he spats, furious, "they were all useless. They could only tell me they think it's a fever and they think it will go away soon. How is that useful?"
Gansey hums, nodding, and doesn't say anything else. He keeps looking at BMW and then at Ronan. After a few moment he says: "You know who you could go see?"
"No." Ronan does know what Gansey is going to say next, of course. His new obsession, the last bane of Ronan Lynch's life.
"Fox's way would probably be able to help you," Gansey pushes on, either unaware of Ronan's dislike for the psychics or, probably, just too stubborn to let Ronan intimidate him into not talking.
"I don't believe in psychics," Ronan says, for what feels like the thousand's time. It might be hypocritical of him, sure, but taking things out of dreams seems more plausible to him than someone having the ability to see in the future and doing jack shit about any of the terrible things that happened everyday.
"Ronan, what do you have to lose?" Gansey asks, looking at the horse and then back at Ronan.
Shit. He has a point.

And so, when BMW doesn't magically gets better, he sucks it up and goes to Fox's way. The psychics' house is a little far away from the village and normally Ronan would use BMW to get there, but he refuses to use another horse while his is sick. So he walks.
It takes him longer that he would like and when he finally steps into the little path that will lead him to the house, he sees someone there. Ronan immediately recognizes her.
Calla is the most annoying of the three psychics that they usually deal with. Only as annoying as her cousin, Blue, who, at least, didn't pretend to have any special power.
"You don't need us," Calla tells him in a huff and Ronan almost growls at her.
See? This is what he gets for even trying to follow one of Gansey's suggestions. He should never do it again.
He gets ready to turn back around and walk to the castle, but Calla just sighs, exasperated. "God, are you stupid? I meant you need Adam. He's back in the greenhouse, just don't ring our doorbell, Persephone is concentrating." She turns around and walks away before Ronan can even interpret what she means.
He blinks twice and debates between himself if he should still just walk away. He thinks so, but there's always the nagging worry for BMW. What if he doesn't get better and Ronan didn't try anything in his power to help him?
Adam it is, then.
He stomps forward, but before reaching Fox's way the path splits in two. One leads directly to the house, the other to another building. The greenhouse, then. He takes that path and sends a scathing look to Calla, who's watching him from the porch of Fox's way. One day, woman or not, he'll deck her in the face.
Ronan reaches the door of the greenhouse quickly and tries to open it without knocking. He has to take a step back when he realizes that the door is locked. He frowns and looks inside, trying to see if someone’s in there.
Most of what he can see is covered in some kind of plant. Vines grow inside the whole greenhouse, making it seem more like an unkept jungle than anything else.
Still, he spots something moving inside even if he doesn't manage to get a good look. He bangs on the door, hoping of making enough noise to be noticed and keeps doing so until the door opens while he's pounding on it. He catches himself because he falls down on his face
and looks up to see a boy, looking at him with an annoyed expression.
He's handsome, that's the first thing Ronan thinks and then he looks tired. It's a strange thought to have, but it's true. The boy looks like he hasn't slept more than five hours in at least a week and yet he's still one of the most handsome men he has ever seen.
It's the hair, Ronan thinks. Or maybe the eyes, hard but warm. It might be his hands, blackened by a little bit of dirt. Maybe it's the confident way he's staring Ronan's down.
"Are you done?" the boy asks, glaring at him.
"Are you deaf?" is how Ronan replies, not one to be intimidated.
The guy doesn't seem all that cowered as well and he just crosses his arms and looks at Ronan like he would prefer being anywhere else in the world. "Is there something I can help you with?"
Honestly, if there wasn't BMW's health on the line, he would have just walked away, but he's not here for himself and that made it always easier to move forward.
"My horse is sick," he says then, gritting his teeth against the need to insult the guy. "They told me that you could help."
Well, Calla did and so he technically wasn't lying.
The mention of an actual emergency seems to interest Adam and he nods immediately, losing some of his annoyed edge. "What does he have? Where is he?"
"He's been laconic. He doesn't move much, the medics say he might have a fever," Ronan explains, "and he's not here. I wasn't going to ride him here. He's sick."
"Right," Adam immediately says, looking back inside the greenhouse. "Do you live far from here? We can try walking. I'll bring some things with me."
Ronan blinks once, realizing that he didn't really think this through. "It's... it's in the castle."
Adam stops and then looks back at him, a little surprised. He squares Ronan up and then furrows his brows. "Don't you guys have your own herborists?"
"They don't treat horses, apparently," Ronan spits out, feeling the irritation mount back. Why wouldn't they have at least someone able to take better care of their horses exactly? Why were their animals treated so badly?
Adam looks at him for a second, but he nods in the end and grabs a bag. "Of course they don't."
Ronan doesn't know what he means, but before he can say anything Adam is pushing him away from the door and walking away. Ronan can do nothing but follow him.
They pass by Calla again and she waves at them. Adam replies in kind while Ronan simply glares in her direction and hopes she understands it for the threat it is.
The journey back is quicker than the first one. It seems that Adam doesn't believe in walking somewhere slower than a horse and he never stops to breathe or recuperate. Ronan is impressed.
He also notices that he seems to not look around himself much, especially once they enter the city. Ronan recognizes the sight of a man avoiding something, but it's none of his business.
If this guy can help BMW, nothing else matters.

No one stops them until they reach the castle. There a couple of guards advance on Adam, evidently ready to stop a stranger from entering the castle, but Ronan steps up. They seem surprised to see him, but immediately allow them entrance.
Adam doesn't comment, but Ronan can see him watching him.
They reach BMW's stable quickly and Ronan allows Adam to enter. The horse looks at them and for a moment Ronan hopes that he will kick at Adam, show a reaction like BMW would have, but the animal simply remained there.
Adam moved slowly anyway, reaching the horse and hovering a hand over his skin. "I'm going to make sure you're alright..." Adam says, and then he looks back towards Ronan. "What's his name?"
In Ronan's opinion he should care less about that and more about fixing the damn horse, but he can't really be mad at someone for being kind to BMW, right?. "BMW."
Everyone always looked at him and asked him why he would call a horse such a name, and Ronan always came up with stranger and stranger stories. Adam simply nodded and turned back to the horses.
"Okay then, BMW. Let's see what I can do, okay?"
An hour later Adam stood up and looked towards Ronan. "I need to go back to my greenhouse. Come tomorrow. With a cart, it will mean less time wasted," he said, putting all his things back into the satchel. "I will have a potion ready, I think it will pass quickly with a little help."
"Okay," then, because the man had a point, "do you need someone to escort you back?"
Adam looked at him, something hard in his eyes. "No. I can manage. But you should bring one tomorrow. I can find my own way back."
Before Ronan could even say anything, Adam walked away at that inhuman speed. It was only then that Ronan realized he didn't even introduce himself.
Oh well, who cared.

The next day Ronan arrives at the greenhouse in the early morning and he's surprised to see Persephone sitting in the porch of Fox's way. She looks at Ronan with her usual neutral expression and just sips her tea.
It's a little eery if he's honest, but he sees Noah smiling and waving from the cart. Damn Noah and his natural sunny disposition.
Still, Ronan isn't here to get freaked out by the psychics and he walks towards Adam's greenhouse. When he arrives there, Adam opens the door before he can even knock.
He looks tired, even more than the day before. He's still as handsome as he was, of course, but his eyes are red and his skin is even more ashen.
Ronan wonders if he spent the entire night awake to make BMW's potion. Still, the other man hands him something and immediately starts spewing off instructions on how to correctly give it to BMW.
"It's supposed to last a couple of days. Put some apples' skin in there and give it to the horse," Adam recites, "it should help with the fever. The horse should be fine when the potion is done."
Ronan takes the pot with what's probably the potion immediately and nods. He doesn't know if it will really work, but at least he has tried. Adam seems to be somewhat competent, at least. "Okay. How much do I owe you?"
Adam shakes his head and then motions him to go. "First you help the horse."
"That doesn't seem like a way to keep up a business," Ronan can't help but point out. Adam seems taken aback for a second before he huffs.
"You don't seem to have the time to worry about my business sense," Adam points out. "Go make sure BMW is okay. And then we'll talk about payment."
"I might never come back, you realize that, right?" Ronan can't help but point out. Adam looks at him and then smirks.
"I know where you live," he points out, "and I think I won't have many problems finding you, will I?"
He isn't wrong. As a personal friend of the prince, Ronan has gathered a little bit of a reputation. Most people say he will become the head of the royal guards when he'll be older. Ronan really doesn't care.
"Fine. You're fucking strange," Ronan points out and Adam simply smiles.
He leaves the greenhouse then, going back to Noah and the cart. Noah immediately looks down to the pot Ronan is carrying and seems interested. "Is he a witch?"
"Just go," Ronan says, looking back at the pot and then towards the greenhouse.
Adam is still at the door, ROnan knows because he can see his shape from a distance, but it's impossible to say what he's doing there of if he's looking in their direction.
Noah speeds up and Ronan's eyes move towards Persephone who is looking intensely at them.
Fucking witches.

Ronan gives BMW the medicine religiously even if he doesn't really believe Adam that much. Still, what other choice does he have? He spends his nights in the stables even when both Gansey and Noah come to try and convince him to go back to his bed.
The only good thing, really, is that he doesn't really dream when he passes out.
BMW's condition don't seem to improve at all until one day Ronan wakes up and BMW is up and acting just like nothing happened.
Ronan immediately jumps up and rushes to the horse's side, caressing his neck. "You feel better," he says, breathing a little more easily.
The noise must have attracted someone and Ronan sees one of the servants making his way over.
"Are you all right, my lord?" the servant asks, trying to get closer to the door. The moment he touches it BMW neighs and motions like he was going to bite the hand off the servant.
Oh yeah, his horse is back.
"Everything is good, more than good. Now move along."

He takes a day before he rides BMW to Adam's. The medics keep telling him that the horse got better just because of time, like they said, but Ronan can't shake the feeling that there was something else at play here.
Of course, he doesn't have any proof if not Gansey's belief in the psychics and his own experience with the supernatural, but there is something about Adam that makes Ronan believe in him.
Noah also seems to be convinced of it as well. "I mean, not to be a downer," he had said, "but I don't think BMW was getting better before. I think he was getting worse and worse. I think the potion really did a miracle."
So Ronan rides towards the greenhouse. This time he doesn't see any of the women in the porch of Fox's way and proceeds with a relieved sigh. He really didn't want to talk to any of them, especially Calla.
Once again when he dismounts and goes for the door he finds it locked. He tries to look inside again and he sees Adam's head bowed over something. Thinking back to the annoyed expression of their first meeting he almost politely only knocks once, but then he actually thinks back to that annoyed expression and can't help but want to see it again.
He starts knocking even if not as loudly at that first day, and just never stops. He watches Adam's head, hoping to catch him turning towards him in anger, but the other doesn't seem to notice him. How is that possible?
He looks back towards BMW, wondering if maybe he's doing something wrong, and then knocks with more vigor. This time he sees the moment Adam hears him and jumps in place, surprised.
Adam whirs towards him, with a scathing look. Yeah, this is what Ronan wanted.
Still, Adam takes his time reaching him, putting things away. It annoys Ronan enough that he just knocks even more quickly and smiles at the way Adam glowers at him with more force.
Adam moves quickly, almost running to the door and opening it up immediately. "Can you just not be obnoxious for five minutes?"
He looks better than the last time Ronan saw him, a little more rested. He's still handsome, unfortunately, so Ronan couldn't chalk it up to stress or exhaustion.
"Not really," Ronan says, shrugging. "And also if you don't hear when someone knocks, don't lock the door. Stupid."
Adam seems to get even more annoyed with that comment, but he doesn't say anything and instead looks past Ronan towards the horse. Immediately the tight expression in his face fades and he smiles, walking towards BMW.
For a second Ronan wonders if he should stop him, but then he decides the guy will have to learn about BMW's distaste for strangers on his own.
"I see someone is feeling better," Adam murmurs, smiling and extending his hand towards the horse's neck.
No one is more surprised than Ronan when BMW lets him and actually seem to enjoy having Adam touch him. What's happening? Is this some sort of after effect from Adam's potion? What the hell has the guy done to his horse?
Adam, not realizing what's happening, simply smiles and keeps petting the horse. "He's well behaved. I have no idea how you managed to get a horse like this."
It's an insult to Ronan, but he can't really be all that annoyed when he's still too grateful about BMW being alive. "The doctors, they said that he would be back on his feet on his own," Ronan says, even if he doesn't really believe it himself.
He doesn't know why he says it, why he has to make Adam doubt himself. Maybe he just wants to see how the other would react. Maybe he's just curious about Adam.
The other boy turns towards him slowly and just raises an eyebrow. "And yet you still came back," he simply says like that's an answer in itself. It is, really, but he's glad that Adam gets it and that he doesn't have to explain.
"How much do I owe you?" he says, then, remembering the reason he's there in the first place.
Adam looks at the horse for one last time, caressing him again, and then walks back towards Ronan. "Just five gold. It really wasn't that difficult. You guys should find better doctors."
Ronan agrees, really, and so he takes ten gold and puts them into the other's hand.
Adam immediately realizes that it's too much and blinks, surprised, trying to give it back. "I don't need your charity," he tells Ronan, angry for reasons that Ronan doesn't understand.
Still, he refuses to take the money back.
"It's not charity, you idiot. You saved my horse," he says, annoyed, "and you didn't sleep to make it quicker. Just take the damn money."
Before Adam can reply in any way Ronan mounts BMW and rides away, leaving the greenhouse and his strange occupant behind.
This is all he was here to do, after all, and now that he has given Adam his money, he will be able to forget about him and live his life.
He makes the mistake of looking towards Fox's way and he sees Persephone beckoning him over. His second mistake of the day is actually going towards them.
"What?" he barks towards her, annoyed. He doesn't dismount BMW and Persephone doesn't seem to mind. She gets closer and hands him a piece of paper.
"You should bring these back, next week," she tells him before walking back in the house.
Ronan looks at the paper and sees names of seeds written in a quick and messy scrawl.
He frowns and almost throws it away. He wouldn't be back next week, he knows that, but why would he need this?
Ronan puts the paper in his pocket and then motions for BMW to ride away.

A week later, Ronan can admit, he still can't keep Adam out of his head. He doesn't know why the damn herborist is so stuck in his mind. He's not the first good looking guy Ronn has seen, and while handsome, there are more handsome men in the world.
But still, Ronan keeps coming back to his sand hair. To the freckles in his face. To the dirt in his hands.
It's bad enough that Noah keeps making fun of him for his daydreaming, but the day Matty joins in as well, Ronan knows he has to do something about it.
He dreams about plants every night, and about that damn greenhouse. He dreams about Adam's fierce eyes so much that he's afraid one day he'll wake up with a clone of Adam in his bed.
The day he opens his eyes and can feel a little satchel of seeds in his hands, it's the day he knows he has to do something about it.

Ronan arrives to the crossroad that separates the greenhouse to Fox way early enough that he hopes to avoid the three psychics, but they are all there, watching him.
Maura is the one Ronan goes along better, mostly because she seems to be the more normal of the trio, but it's unmistakable the power that the three of them together give.
He looks at them and watches the pleased smile in Calla's face with some disgust. He's not here to be some kind of entertainment, damn it.
Ronan doesn't stop to talk to them, and they don't call him over, seemingly pleased that he's there. He's a little unsettled by that.
When he reaches the door of the greenhouse he's surprised to find it open and he walks in for the first time.
Just like it seemed from the outside, the entire greenhouse is covered in plants. Most of them seem to be free to grow wherever they want. There's complete chaos and every corner of the little shack seems to be covered in some kind of leaf. He walks inside, looking around in wonder. He didn't think that it would have been possible to make so many plants grow in such a little space.
Ronan has to walk for a minute before he sees Adam, bent over a smaller plant than the others. He seems to be talking to her, a whisper that Ronan can't really comprehend.
He doesn't seem to have noticed Ronan and so he keeps watching him for a while. It seems that Adam in his natural habitat is a lot more relaxed than Ronan had seen him.
He's smiling at the plant, caressing one of its leaf. Then he turns towards another plant and does exactly the same thing. Really, from what Ronan can see he seems to be just talking to them.
It's a rather odd scene and yet there's something mesmerizing about it. Adam looks almost otherworldly while he goes from plant to plant, talking to them and smiling.
Ronan wants to touch him.
It's a very strange thought, but a part of him wants to make sure that he's real, not just a projection of Ronan's dreams. He certainly fits the part.
He almost takes a step forward when Adam finally turns and notices him. The relaxed slope of his shoulder immediately vanishes and he assumes a defensive position.
It looks like something ingrained, an automatic response. Ronan has trained as a knight long enough to recognize the instinctual reaction of someone who is expecting to get hit.
Adam is.
Adam, he thinks, has been hurt before.
The hot flare of anger and suden protectiveness is surprising. He hasn't known Adam that long and yet his insides are roaring with the need to find out who and destroy them. He has to restrain himself immediately.
A moment passes and then Adam focuses on him and some of the tension leaves his body. It seems that while Ronan's presence still has him a little unsettled, he's good at recovering. "What are you doing here?"
"Why wasn't the door locked? Anyone could have walked in," Ronan doesn't know why he says it, but he feels like he has to. Adam seems to be completely oblivious to anything that happens around him while he talks to the plants. Anyone could have walked in, even the one that hurt Adam before.
Adam doesn't reply immediately, his gaze seems to get distant for a second, before he nods. "I know, it's why I usually lock it. Persephone told me not to, however."
"You shouldn't listen to her," he can't help but growl. Adam looks surprised by the apparent rage in Ronan's voice.
"That's not true. I would be... in a way worse position if it wasn't for her," Adam says. He shrugs and then walks towards a little table on the other side of the room. "Now, why are you here? if it's for your money I won't give it back."
"No. I don't care about the money," he huffs, looking at Adam. He can't say what he wants to say, can't ask who hurt Adam, and so he does the next best thing really. "I brought these," he says, and tosses the satchel at Adam's head.
Adam catches it and opens it quickly, confused. He peers inside and then something in his face shift. Ronan is a little surprised to see the sudden joy in the other's eyes. He takes one of the seeds from the satchel and holds it up, smiling. "Oh, wow. I was looking for this, I'm almost out. How did you know?" he asks, but he doesn't seem interested in the reply.
Without even looking at Ronan he walks towards one side of the greenhouse and puts some of the seed on an occupied part of the ground. He buries them a little and then hurries to take some water.
It's like he has completely forgotten about Ronan being there, and he seems to have relaxed again. Really, it's all fine with Ronan.
He doesn't know what he hopes to discover with this visit, but now that he's there and he gets to see Adam this way, a part of him doesn't want to go away.
He hovers, a little anxiously, and then gets closer. Adam turns back towards him then. "How did you find these?"
"I just found them," Ronan says. It's not technically a lie, since he found them in his hands when he woke up, but for a moment he thinks about telling Adam his biggest secret. After all it's obvious that Adam isn't just another normal boy.
Regardless of the potion for BMW and the fact that he lives in the gardenhouse of three psychics, Adam has an aura about him. Something that seems to scream at Ronan that this boy is like you. Maybe even more.
But his father made him promise once to be careful with his secret and Ronan doesn't have much else of his father if not his warnings.
"So you came here to give me a gift?" Adam asks, with a grin.
If Ronan was one to blush, he might have then. But he's not so he shakes his head.
"No. I want a potion, obviously. Isn't that your job?" he asks, walking around.
"I don't do potions," Adam says, getting up. "I mix herbs. It's a little different."
"It's really not," Ronan retorts, but shrugs before it can become a fight. "I need something to sleep. I... I have a lot of nightmares. What the medics have given me are too strong, they don't make me sleep at all and I..."
"You don't want the nightmares, but you still want to dream," Adam finishes for him. He seems to be thinking hard about something, almost as if he's trying to decipher the deeper meaning of Ronan's words.
Ronan wants to laugh.
"Yeah," he says anyway, "I just want something to make the nightmare... less." He doesn't think it's possible, obviously. His aren't normal nightmares and aren't as easy to eradicate, but he needed an excuse.
And at least this isn't a lie.
Adam looks at him and then nods. "I can make you something."
Ronan nods and stands up. This is where he should go, right? Give Adam the time to work. He doesn't want to, but he has already been greedy enough today.
When Adam notices his movement he studies Ronan for a second. "Wait," he says, "don't go. I think having your energy here might be useful. If it's okay with you, of course. There's not much to do here."
Ronan shrugs and just sits down. Adam seems surprised for a second and then smiles, starting to work. He seems to be mixing a lot of different herbs together and Ronan watches his hands with rapt fascination.
Adam doesn't explain what he's doing, doesn't try to interact with Ronan at all, but he isn't bored. Watching Adam work is a show in itself and Ronan finds himself too fascinated to even feel bored.
This, he thinks, might be a first.
Adam finishes his work a couple of hours later and Ronan realizes that he hadn't move in as many hours content to just observe the other work.
"So. This won't make the bad dreams go away, but it should help you control them," Adam explains, holding it towards him. "This is just a few days worth, I can make it more later, but it will take more time."
"You'll need me here?" Ronan immediately asks and Adam seems to be a little surprised at the request. Ronan sees him hesitate, evidently unsure of how to reply. It's possible that Adam doesn't realize how much Ronan wants him to say yes.
He wants to spend time with Adam, even if they just hang out in silence. He wants to sit there while Adam works and watch him.
"I mean, it would help, but I can do it on my own from now on if you don't want to stay here," Adam says in the end and Ronan can breathe easier.
"And let you ruin my potion? Not a chance." He says, shrugging.
Adam seems surprised for a second before he smiles and nods. "Okay then, if you want you can come back two days from now and I'll prepare another batch."
Ronan nods and takes his new potion, starting to walk away. Before he can reach the door Adam stops him. "You know, if we're going to spend so much time together, I'd like to know your name."
Realizing he never introduced himself, Ronan turns towards Adam. "My name is Ronan Lynch."
"Pleasure," Adam replies with a grin, "I'm Adam Parrish."

Ronan returns two days later like Adam asked and, once again, he finds the door unlocked. He grimaces, annoyed, and enters. He makes sure to make as much noise as possible, but when he finally spots Adam, the other man doesn't seem to have noticed him.
Annoyed and angry he looks around and finds an unused bucket that he immediately kicks. Adam jumps, surprised, and looks back towards Ronan.
This time he hides the flash of pure terror much quicker, but Ronan still catches it.
"Why don't you lock your door if you don't fucking hear anything?" Ronan growls and Adam shrug.
"I knew you were coming," Adam explains, walking towards Ronan and picking up the bucket. "I'm deaf from one ear," he continues then, like he's talking about the weather, "so I have a hard time hearing things. If I locked the door you would have to knock for a very long time."
Ronan remembers the first thing he ever told Adam (are you deaf?) and for a moment he feels terrible. Still, there's nothing he can do about that now, can he?
"Lock it," he says, curt, "I don't fucking mind knocking."
Adam seems genuinely surprised for a second before he nods. He doesn't smile, doesn't seem comfortable doing it, but there's something grateful in his eyes.
Ronan wonders how scared he had been, waiting for him to show up with the open door. He's angry, furious.
"I mean," Adam says, turning back towards his work, "usually someone at Fox's way makes sure to check for me. I'm very grateful."
Ronan wonders if that's why he usually found someone on the porch of the house, looking at the road that led to Adam's greenhouse. Did they know and where worried for Adam? Did they knew who it was and did nothing to help?
"Do you live at Fox's way too?" he wonders, curious.
Adam turns towards him but doesn't say anything. He seems to be studying Ronan, and he can't help but feel intimidated by it. Ridiculous, really. Ronan has never been intimidated by anyone in his life.
It's obvious however that Adam doesn't want to tell him where he lives. Ronan should let it go, really, but there's an itch under his skin. He needs to know more about Adam, anything and everything he can.
"You know where I live, it's only fair," he jokes and simply waits for Adam to react.
Adam laughs, shaking his head. "You live in the castle," Adam points out, "it's not really something you can keep a secret. Also the best place to live in the entire city."
It's true, obviously, and everyone knows it. But there's something in the way Adam says it, the bitter edge at the end that makes it seem like something more.
"So yours isn't?" Ronan can't help but ask. Is Adam scared of someone that lives with him?
The other hesitate a second before he smiles. It's not really a happy smile, however, there's something self-deprecating about it. "Not really," he says, shrugging, "I... live at the church."
Ronan stops, surprised, "St. Agnes?"
"Yeah," Adam confirms, taking a couple of leaves. "I live in a room above the church. Not the most prestigious," he admits, "but it's my house."
A part of him wants to ask what house wasn't your own? but he knows that would be pushing his luck father than he wants to. He doesn't know when he started to think of Adam as a scared animal, but that's how it feels.
He needs to make sure not to move too quickly and scare him off.
Adam walks toward his workbench then and pointedly doesn't look at Ronan. "I have some herbs to mix," he announces, "and I need quiet."
Ronan nods, content to just watch the other work.

A week later, Ronan hasn't had any bad dreams. He goes ever couple of days a week to see Adam's work and watches him silently.
Noah keeps making fun of him and telling he's smitten, but Ronan just pushes him away, annoyed.
He wakes up most mornings with a flower or a plant that the has seen at Adam's greenhouse and he clutches them for a second, before finding a place to put them. His room resembles the greenhouse now, in a way.
He's not exactly happy, because happiness sometimes seems like a foreigner feeling to him, but he's at peace.
And so it's only right that the nightmare decides to come. Ronan recognizes it immediately because there is always a certain smell in all his bad dreams. He can hear the leaves rustling above him and the air is terse.
He's not alone in his dream. He hears the creature before he sees it, but when he does, it's almost the same as any other time. The nightmare looks at him and growls, furious and dangerous, and then starts running towards Ronan.
He runs away, trying to lose it, but he knows he won't. He's always so scared to bring them out. It happened, once or twice, and the blood was always a bitch to cover up.
So he runs away and tries to wake up before the beast reaches him. He never manages to.
Ronan can hear it coming closer, he can almost feel his warm breath against his neck, and he shivers. He won't be able to outrun it, he will bring it out, he knows it. He can feel it.
He almost screams out of frustration.
Ronan turns around and sees the creature's claws extend towards him and his eyes widen. The moment they'll touch, Ronan knows, he'll wake up and bring this nightmare to the real world.
He closes his eyes and curses and then... nothing touches him. The creatures screams and Ronan trips on his own feet, too surprised to catch himself in time.
The ground scratches his face and his arms and he slides a few meters forward. He's breathing heavily but he doesn't open his eyes for a couple of seconds.
When he does, he's greeted by the image of the Nightmare completely engulfed in vines. It's struggling against them, but the vines hold him strong, immobilizing him.
It takes Ronan a couple of seconds to realize that those are the vines he always sees in Adam's greenhouse and, when he does, he rushes forward.
The monster screams more violently the more Ronan gets close, but it's unable to break free. Ronan, because intelligence has never been his strong suit, touches the vines almost reverently.
He wakes up immediately and he sees that the has a vine wrapped around his arm, almost protectively. He's panting, feeling the rembrandt of the dream stick to his skin, but he's alone. There's no nightmare, no monster.
Son of a bitch, Adam actually did it.
Ronan really doesn't know what to do with that.

He runs to Adam's greenhouse that day, even if it's not one of the days they were supposed to meet. He's unable to stay away and there's a part of him that feels like he would explode if he wasn't near Adam right now.
Adam's potion blocked the creature. He still can't believe it, but there's no other explanation for what happened in his dream. Ronan never really thought that Adam could find a solution to his problem, but now it seems that Ronan's instincts were right all along.
Adam is even more than what Ronan had thought.
Ronan notices Calla watching him from the porch, but he urges BMW forward and almost jumps down once they have reached the greenhouse. He finds it locked, fortunately, and he starts pounding at the door.
He's excited, scared, anxious. So many feelings wrapped into one, but more than anything he's relieved. Happy. God.
Adam opens the door a couple of minutes later and he's surprised to see him here. "Ronan? What are you doing here? I thought you would be here tomorrow?"
"It worked," he says, still disbelieving it himself. "Your potion. It helped with the dreams. I..."
Adam looks at him for a second before smiling. "I'm glad," he says, but he doesn't recognize the monumental feat he has just accomplished.
Of course he doesn't, Ronan didn't tell him.
"No. You don't understand," he pushes then, "my dreams aren't normal, Adam, I..." before he can finally spill his secret, however, Adam stops him.
"Ronan. You don't need to tell me anything," he stops him, shaking his head. "I can feel you. I know there's something magical about you, but I don't need to hear it if you don't want to say it."
But the thing is that Ronan does. He doesn't know if it's the adrenaline of the night, or if it's something more. But he wants Adam to know the gift he just gave Ronan.
"I bring things out of my dreams," he says, then, willing Adam to get it. "I got that satchel of seed, that time. But sometimes I bring out... things that want to and will hurt me and other people."
He remembers the first time he brought one back, how Ronan had knows the creature wanted to kill him. To kill Matty. To kill Gansey. And so Ronan had killed it first.
"Today I dreamt one of this creatures and it was catching me, but it was stopped," Ronan says, reaching into his bag and taking the vine out of it, "by this. By you."
Adam looks at him and at the vine, he doesn't seem particularly surprised. He seems calm and Ronan wonders how is it possible.
He thought there should be more of a reaction for a secret that Ronan has kept all his life.
Then Adam reaches forward and touches Ronan's hand, closing both of their fingers over it. "I'm glad," he says, looking steadily at Ronan, "I'm glad this was what you needed, Ronan."
Ronan doesn't say anything to that, doesn't know what he could say.
He realizes then that he will never be able to let Adam go. Whatever else happens, there will always be a part of him that will burn for this man. Not for the potion, but because of the easy acceptance of anything Ronan is. Because of the way Adam keeps giving when he shouldn't really have much to give.
There's a strength in Adam Parrish that Ronan lacks and that, that, is what will trap him.
He doesn't want to go. Never but especially not now, but Ronan doesn't know how to ask. Doesn't think he should either.
Adam seems to read this in his eyes and simply moves away from the door. "Do you want to keep me company?"
Ronan doesn't have the strength to nod and simply walks inside.


That night, when he finally leaves the greenhouse, he sees the three psychics having tea on the porch. They don't call for him, but this time Ronan stops in front of them.
"Do you know what happened to Adam?" he asks them.
They share a look between themselves that annoys Ronan beyond belief. He remembers now why he never interacts with them.
"It's not our place to say anything," Maura says, diplomatically. He's chastising him a little, he knows, because Ronan should already know this.
He should, he knows, because what he should be doing is go back and ask Adam. Hear it from him and not from these three psycho.
But Ronan has never felt as exposed and raw as he felt with Adam and there's a awkwardness and fear that comes from showing even more of his weakness to Adam.
He knows it's hypocrite. He wants to know more about Adam, but doesn't want the other to know more about him.
He's scared, truthfully, that Adam won't want anything to do with Ronan if he opens up even more. The fact that he hasn't kicked him out of his greenhouse is already incredible, he doesn't want to keep pushing his own luck.
It's greedy of him, and still he wants more.
"I know," he replies, gritting his teeth. "But he's still scared and I..."
I want to know what to do to protect him, I want to know how I can repay him for what he's given me.
I need to make sure he's okay.
"That is something Adam needs to work on his own," Persephone says. She isn't drinking her tea, it seems like she's just looking at him, as if it would give her come kind of information.
But still, that seems complete bullshit to Ronan. "Why can't he get a little help?" he wonders, feeling angry all of a sudden.
He doesn't want Adam to have to face life like a one man show. That's not how life is supposed to go, or at least that's what Gansey always tells him.
Gansey spends most of his time trying to make Ronan understand that he doesn't need to face everything alone, it seems unfair that Adam has no one to do that for him.
"You misunderstand us, Raven," Calla says, with a sigh, "Of course, I expected you to, you're an idiot."
"What?" Ronan growls, looking at her, but Calla simply smiles.
"What we mean is that Adam doesn't need you to fight this fight for him," she explains, drinking the inside of her teacup (Ronan is sure there's something stronger than tea in there) "he will do that on his own. He needs you to be with him while he does it."
Ronan's face grows serious. He still wishes he could get a name and go and punch the fuck out of someone, but what they're saying isn't... completely absurd.
From what Ronan has seen, Adam doesn't seem to be someone who appreciates help. The few times Ronan has offered, he has been met with stony resistance. Even the psychic's constant supervision seems to be done without his knowing.
If he wants to help Adam, it's not by removing his choice that he will achieve it.
He might not like it, bue all he needs to do is step aside and watch over the idiot while he works through his own problema.
Ronan needs to be patient. And that has never been one of his many qualities, really.

Still, the psychics have told him to stay with Adam while the other fights his demons and so that's what Ronan does.
He finds excuses after excuses to go to Adam everyday. He brings Gansey along so that the stupid idiot can help and, just like Ronan knew would happen, the two get along like an house on fire.
Of course, Adam had been a little surprised, in the beginning, when the prince of their kingdom had set foot in his greenhouse, but they have gotten over that pretty fast.
This days Ronan can't help but wonder if, maybe, Adam likes Gansey more than he does Ronan. He's sure that Gansey likes Adam more than he likes Ronan, but it mostly comes from an adorable platonic crush that Ronan kind of understands (of course, there's nothing platonic about Ronan's crush).
Adam and Gansey spend most of their time talking about the supernatural properties of certain plants and the mysteries hidden in the forest that surrounds their city.
After a while, they're joined by someone else: Blue is Maura's daughter and Gansey's actual crush. Apparently she's also Adam's best friend.
She might be small, but she doesn't pull her punches when it comes to worlds or actual physical strength.
She's annoying, especially in the way she seem to monopolize both Gansey's and Adam's attention, but Ronan can admit that he likes her as well.
Noah sneaks out to join them most of the time as well, and he seems to find the greenhouse peaceful.
It's... good in a way, but Ronan can admit that he resents them a little, even if he's the one that invited them all.
This is supposed to be his place. The place where he goes for a little bit of peace and to study Adam while he works.
Ronan is most grateful for the days where it's just the two of them, while Adam works on Ronan's sleeping potion and they can spend the afternoon just like they did before: Adam focused on his work and Ronan focused on Adam.
Still, he longs for something more.

The third time he dreams about the monsters, Adam's vines stop them this time as well, but not before they could hurt Ronan inside the dream. It's better than bringing them back in this condition, where he's hurt and tired and unable to stop them.
He stays there, panting in his room, Adam's vines grasped around his arm, and he closes his eyes.
He needs to clean the wound and close them up, he knows, but he doesn't want to. He's tired and if only he could be sure not to dream them again he would go back to sleep.
Ronan looks at his own room, these four walls that seem to crumble over him every night, and stands up.
He can't stay here another second.

Ronan doesn't notice where he has stirred BMW until the forked path of Fox's Way stands in front of him. The house is completely dark and when he looks towards the greenhouse he sees that it's dark as well.
It's later than last time, and there's no assurance that Adam will be there. Ronan almost hopes he isn't.
Even if his feet have led him here, he doesn't want Adam to see him like this. He already showed him what a mess he was that first night, but this... this is even worse.
Still, now that he's here, he wants to be as close as possible to the greenhouse that he can. He stirs BMW the rest of the way and dismounts him quickly.
The entire place almost seems abandoned in the middle of the night, with the vegetation having taken over the greenhouse and the silence that surrounds them. No one would ever be able to guess what Adam has done in there, what he does day after day.
Ronan sits down with his back to the walls of the greenhouse and closes his eyes. If he concentrates enough he can see Adam here, inside, working.
In the place that connects them, that hangs onto Adam's energy the most, Ronan finally relaxes and goes to sleep.

"What the fuck?" it's the first thing he hears when he wakes up.
Ronan opens his eyes immediately only to see the figure of Adam Parrish glaring at him. It's a strange vision, one that's supposed to live in Ronan's dreams and unknown to the real world, and yet here Adam Parrish was.
As always uncaring of everything he did to Ronan's heart.
"Ronan, what are you doing here?" Adam asks, crouching in front of him, "Is that blood?"
Oh. Right. The nightmares.
"It's nothing bad," he reassures the other. The cuts have already clotted over, and they weren't that deep to begin with. Adam's vines stopped them before they could really inflict any damage.
"You should have cleaned them yesterday! Do you know how many people die from infections?" Adam asks. He's angry, but he's not raising his voice. His face would almost look uninterested if not for his eyes. "If you die, who will dream me seeds?"
Dry wit and a stubborn asshole to boot. Ronan really had good taste.
Adam stands up and then helps Ronan do the same. "Come on, let me clean it up. I have a couple of leaves that can be used as a natural disinfectant."
Ronan follows him without even protesting. He lets Adam do anything he wants, feeling already more relaxed now that he's inside the greenhouse.
The other starts gathering herbs and other things and then he puts them on his cuts.
"Ouch, do you want to kill me, Parrish?" he asks, even if the herbs don't really hurt that much. It's just that the silence is getting heavier, and Ronan has never been good at sharing emotions.
"If you're really complaining about this, I might have to rethink your image as a big and scary knight," Adam says with a little smirk, pressing harder on his wounds, the fucker.
Ronan doesn't say anything this time, refusing to give it to him.
"Do you want to tell me why you ended up in front of my greenhouse bleeding?" Adam asks, continuing with his work.
He's not pushing and Ronan knows that he will let it go if he asks him to. It's not Gansey's worry, encompassing, it's lighter. It's the worry of someone who knows that Ronan can face him on his own, but maybe doesn't want him to.
Ronan is reminded of Calla's words: He doesn't need you to fight his battles, he just needs you to be with him while he does.
Is Adam doing the same things for him? All the while Ronan was trying to help Adam, maybe the other boy was doing the same thing for him.
They really are stupid, aren't they?
"I told you, my dreams aren't ordinary," he admits. He might have lied, it's true, but he doesn't want to lie to Adam. He wants to tell him the whole truth.
He wants to give Adam anything he wants.
"I thought my mix helped, do I have to change it?" it's not a statement, Adam is asking him. So careful to respect him and his choice. And yet ready to act immediately.
Ronan wants to scream.
"It helped. I didn't bring it out, the vines stopped it before he could really hurt him," Ronan looks at his own arms, at the bandages Adamis carefully applying. "This is nothing."
Adam looks up and holds Ronan's gaze for what feels like an eternity. It's probably no longer than one minute, but Ronan would be content to live the rest of his life like this: looking into the eyes of Adam Parrish.
"I can try and make it stronger," Adam offers him. He wants to help more, Ronan thinks. He doesn't realize that he's done more than anyone before.
"I haven't slept better than these past few months in all my life," he says, honestly, hoping to make Adam understand what a gift he has given him.
Adam accepts this without comment, finishing up the bandages. "Why did you come here, then?"
Ronan could lie, could say he wanted Adam to patch him up. Could say anything at all, really. But Ronan doesn't lie and he thinks that lying to Adam might be an even worse sin: "I needed to sleep. I knew I could sleep here."
Adam observes him for a couple of seconds and then he stands up, walks towards his bench and sits down. "Then sleep. I'll just work a little."
Ronan blinks, surprised. "I'm not sleepy now," he says. It's not exactly a lie, but it's not the truth either. He knows that.
Adam shrugs: "I need to work anyway. Do what you want. I don't mind."
It's all the permission Ronan needs. He gets comfortable in his usual spot and he refuses to sleep. He doesn't want to waste these moments, doesn't want to waste the sight of Adam working. Of Adam breathing. Of Adam existing.
The Adam that he dreams - because he dreams a lot about Adam - is never as lively as the one in reality. Never as lovely. Never as beautiful.
Ronan dreamt him too perfectly, without all the hard and burnt edges that made him the beast that Ronan loved.
He's been silent for half an hour before Adam's voice arrives to him, almost hesitant. "I don't usually spend the nights here. I have other works. Just come to the church next time."
Ronan blinks. And then blinks again.
He remembers what it means to breathe. He remembers the feeling of existing before Adam Parrish entered in his life. Before any of this. He doesn't want to get back to that.
Ronan remembers how ashamed Adam had been of his house, how reticent of admitting it to Ronan, but now here he was, giving it up to make him feel better. To heal and soothe the parts of Ronan that hurt the most.
Those words make him bold. Make him bolder than he should have any right to.
"My nightmares end with my dreams," he says, slowly, looking at the back of one of the strongest men he knows. "Do yours ever end?"
Adam's back freezes at those words. It's a blow Adam didn't expect, a question he wasn't ready to answer.
And yet Ronan needs to push.
Because Adam can't hear from one ear, but he jumps out of the way too quickly when someone surprises him. Because he freezes, just for a second, when Gansey rises his hand too quickly.
Because he's hurt in different ways than Ronan, and he needs to know.
"I made sure it ended," Adam says, without turning towards him.
Ronan doesn't say that just like his dreams, it looks like Adam's nightmare still clings to him like a shadow.
What Ronan needed to know is that Adam's out.

After that, Ronan goes to sleep in the greenhouse almost everyday. He arrives at the greenhouse early, when Adam is still working, and he waits for the other to finish.
When Adam is ready to call it a night, they both ride on BMW to reach the church. There, Ronan discovers that Adam has also a job helping the nuns with some of the renovations.
He works early in the morning and late at night, so that he can dedicate the rest of the day to the greenhouse.
Adam handed him the keys the first time, telling him to go upstairs to his room, but Ronan refused. Together they did the work in half the time.
It didn't matter if Adam had complained the whole night; Ronan was just happy to help Adam go to sleep at a normal hour.
And so it went most night.
The one drawback from sleeping almost every night at Adam's house is that he dreams of Adam every night now. He closes his eyes to the image of Adam reading some, and inside his dreams he sees Adam look at him and getting closer.
Ronan refuses to touch the Adam from his dreams, always too afraid of bringing him with him in the morning, but he takes out a lot of things that remind him of Adam. Almost every day he wakes up with a new flower or some kind of seed.
Adam is always ecstatic about those, planting them in the greenhouse immediately.
Other times Ronan dreams things he want to give Adam but hesitates.
He dreams a hand cream for his skin, who is dried due to all the work in the sun that Adam does. He dreams botany books. And teas. And hats to protect Adam's head.
Ronan hides them before Adam can even see, but he knows he won't be able to hide them forever.
He had already fallen before, but now it's leaking uncontrollably out of him.

Gansey tells him this is the most well rested he has ever seen Ronan in his entire life, and Ronan refuses to tell him where he's going. Noah always laughs, but never asks him, as if he already knew.
"I don't know why you think you have to keep secrets from me," Gansey tells him every time and so he runs away as fast as possible.
He always runs to the same place because Ronan isn't exactly unpredictable.
There's the possibility that he spends more time at Adam's greenhouse than at the castle, but no one would even dare complain to him.

Usually he's there so many times that the three witches have stopped guarding the little path. Even when they're there, they usually just nod in Ronan's direction and then return inside.
Today Ronan sees Persephone on the porch of the house, looking towards him. There is something heavier about her, even if Ronan wouldn't be able to explain what.
He doesn't even know why he gets closer, but he does.
She watches him advance but doesn't say anything. Still, she's holding her cup tighter than usual, and her eyes are harder than they usually are.
Persephone always seems to be in three different places at the same time. Even when she's talking to you, it's like she's also listening to a lot of conversations happening at the same time.
Today, all her attention is focused on Ronan.
"Thread carefully," she tells him, "what happens today needs to happen, but you have to remember not to let go too soon."
"What are you talking about?" he asks her, feeling lost and confused.
She looks at him and then back towards the greenhouse. "He's fighting today," she simply says, her voice as low as a whisper.
Ronan freezes and turns towards the greenhouse as well. "Is the bastard here?" he asks, getting ready to push BMW towards Adam as fast as they can.
Persephone however just looks at him. "He's always there, Ronan. You should have realized that."
Ronan doesn't know what she means, but he motions for BMW to go and they gallops to the greenhouse. He jumps down from BMW and starts pounding on the door frantically.
If Adam doesn't come to the door, he thinks, he can probably punch through the glass. It would be a good experience for his hand, but that's not what's important here.
He knocks for a minute and no one answers. He knows that Adam is partially deaf, that it might be normal for him not to answer, but there's a panic growing inside him. Panic and rage.
Ronan wants to hit something. He doesn't care what.
He draws back his arm for a punch when the door opens to reveal Adam. He's looking at Ronan like he's not really seeing him, but Ronan doesn't care.
The only thing he cares about is the fact that there's an haunted look in Adam's eyes. A fear that makes all of Ronan's nerves boil.
"What is it?" he barks. He's not good at comforting, it's a language that he doesn't know how to speak. His native tongue is violence and that he's ready to offer at any time.
"Nothing fo you to worry about, Ronan," Adam tells him, but even his voice sounds tired. Defeated. "I can't make your potion today, come tomorrow, okay?"
Ronan doesn't even remember if today is one of the days where Adam works on his potions. He doesn't care.
"I'm not here for that," Ronan growls in his face. He knows that getting angry with Adam is useless, but he can't help it. "Tell me what happened."
Adam looks at him, studies the angry lines of Ronan's mouth and then he smiles. "Nightmare," he says.
Ronan knows he doesn't mean literally.
He also knows that Adam won't tell him anything more. It doesn't matter how much Ronan pushes, how much he tries to be a part of Adam's life. Adam will never let him become part of his fight.
He has accepted that, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to help.
"Teach me," Ronan says then, standing his ground.
Adam blinks, surprised, and confused. "Wha-"
"Teach me how you mix those herbs for me," Ronan explains, "I'll make one for you too. For your nightmares. It will keep them at bay like yours does for me."
Adam doesn't reply for a second before he starts laughing. The laugh, something Adam doesn't do enough, lights up his entire face.
It makes him look like a kid.
"You're terrible with plants, Ronan," Adam informs him, but it doesn't matter.
"If you teach me I can dream it for you. I'll dream it for you as many times as you need it," Ronan promises him. Adam might not understand how serious he is, but Ronan knows himself.
If Adam asks him, he'll deplete all of his energy. He will spend all his life dreaming just this one thing for him.
He doesn't care about anything else.
"I... don't need that from you, Ronan," Adam tells him, serious. "I don't need anyone's help."
"You don't," Ronan confirms, because he thinks Adam will be able to do it on his own. That doesn't mean that he wants him to. "But I want to give you anything you need. I want to help you. So fucking shut up and tell me how to do it."
Adam doesn't let him in the greenhouse, he pauses there, studying him just like he always does. This time, however, he doesn't seem to find the answer he's looking for.
"Why?" Adam asks, as if he doesn't see. As if he doesn't realize.
The truth is that maybe he actually doesn't and that seems absolutely absurd to him.
So Ronan does what Ronan knows best: he fucks everything up.
He pushes forward and puts his hand on the back of Adam's head and kisses him. Kisses him like he wanted to do for so long, kisses him like he would die if he didn't.
And for a second, Adam kisses back. Ronan feels him relaxing against him, melt into Ronan's hold, like he belongs there.
For a second, it's the best thing that ever happened in Ronan's life.
But then Adam pushes him away as if he had woken up from a dream. He's panting, his lips kissed red and his hair are in disarray. Ronan can't help but look, mesmerized.
His hand was there, Adam looks like that because of him.
"I can't," Adam says, looking at him. He looks frail now, like Ronan broke something in him, the one thing that allowed him to stand. "I... Ronan, I can't."
He doesn't close the door, however, he keeps looking at Ronan like he doesn't believe what he's seeing.
Ronan could push, he could. But Adam says he can't and he doesn't want to take away his choice.
Doesn't want to take away anything from Adam anymore.
So he nods, turns away and gets on BMW.
While he rides away he sees Persephone look at him. He avoids her gaze.

Gansery asks him if he wants to go to Adam the next day, but Ronan tells him he's busy.
It's obvious that Gansey doesn't believe him, but Ronan walks away before the other can say anything.
Noah tries to ask him as well, and when Ronan tells him he can't, Noah immediately asks him what happened. Ronan wants to tell him, but the knowledge of how much he fucked up burns too much inside him.
He doesn't want to admit it to them, doesn't want to say it out loud.
Ronan kissed Adam when he shouldn't have, when the other didn't want him too. Just because Ronan couldn't control himself.
Just because he always ruins everything he touches.
Still, that night, he takes BMW and goes to the greenhouse when he's sure Adam isn't there. He sits outside of the wall and thinks about Adam helping the nuns, right now.
He thinks about Adam's little house above the church and he wonders if he ate enough today. If he has enough.
Ronan wonders how much time can pass before he can try and ask for Adam's forgiveness. How much time has to pass before he can see him again.
It has only been a day and his heart already aches.
God, who knew Ronan was such a pathetic wimp.
He needs to go away before morning comes, he knows that very well, but he lingers as the night advances. Adam might not be there, but Ronan has associated this place so much with him, that he feels calmer even just by being here.
If he closes his eyes he can imagine that he's inside, Adam working on one of his herbal mixes, and that when he will open his eyes, he'll see Adam's sturdy back.
He tries to conserve the feeling for as much time as he can and so, when he opens his eyes, he's surprised not to see Adam in front of him. The moment had seemed so real that Ronan almost thought he would be able to keep it like he does with dreams.
Instead, there's Blue.
"What the fuck?" he whispers. He's sure that he was thinking and dreaming about Adam, not the midget.
"That's what I should be saying. What the fucj are you doing here, Ronan?" Blue studies him with an interested glint in his eyes. "I mean, Gansey told us you were too busy today."
"I was," he says, because he doesn't want to explain. But most importantly he doesn't want Adam to explain it.
"Sure, sure. Busy being a fucking chicken," Blue says, huffing. Ronan almost blushes, but like every other time where ronan needs to cover up his embarrassment, he gets angry.
"What do you even know?"
Blue looks at him and then she shrugs. "I didn't say you were the only one playing chicken. Let me guess, you did something and spooked Adam. And now you're pinning even more."
Ronan doesn't lie and so he can't deny her version of the story, but he can most certainly tell her: "Shut the fuck up."
Blue smiles at him for a second, before her face turns grim. "Believe it or not, I really don't think it's your fault. Adam is... he has a lot of walls. I don't know how much he told you but..."
Ronan can keep quiet, let Blue tell him the mystery he's been trying to unveil all this time, but he doesn't want it from her. He doesn't want it from anyone else. "No," he says, stopping her, "I don't want you to tell me."
Blue obeys, and she evaluates him before nodding. "See? This is why I don't think it's your fault. You're an asshole, but you're stupid for Adam. He's just... he doesn't think he's enough, Ronan. You have to give him time."
"That's the stupidest fucking reason I've ever heard," Ronan can't help but say. It should be obvious to anyone that Ronan isn't enough for Adam. Honestly they aren't even in the same division.
"I fucking know," Blue says, pointing at him, "but I'm not the one that you need to convince, so good luck." She gets up and looks at the greenhouse. "I think, if you give him time, he might come to you on his own. Or you might try and push, after all he likes your rude ass."
"He doesn't like me," Ronan can't help but point out and Blu just glares at him.
"Don't be obtuse, Ronan, we only have space for one of those in this mess," she walks towards BMW who lets her pet him like the traitor he is.
"Why are you helping me?" Ronan can't help but wonder. He didn't really think Blue liked him very much, if he's honest. And yet here they were.
Blue turns back towards him and shrugs. "I'm not helping you, I'm helping him. Hurt him and I'll hurt you in ways you didn't even know were possible."
Yeah. That seemed more like Blue.

Still. Ronan doesn't approach Adam immediately. Even after Blue's words, he's still unsure on how to approach Adam and what to tell him.
Blue might be right that it's something that goes beyond Ronan himself, but for that very reason, he might have to give Adam some time.
He's not as brave as Adam is, nor as strong. and he needs time to recover and rebuild his strength.
So, the second day, he spends it in the castle, seated under one of the biggest trees in the garden. He's only happy when he sees Matthew coming towards him, with a smile and a book.
"What are you doing here?" he asks Ronan, sitting down beside him, "you're never here at this time."
"I got bored," Ronan told him, watching the book. "What are you reading?"
"Boring stuff for school," Matthew answers, shrugging. "And then a book about flowers. That's a little more interesting."
Ronan looks at the second book and almost reaches to touch it. Would Adam like it? Would he already know every information in it? Would Adam and Matty get along? He wants to know.
He needs to know.
Ronan is silent for too long before Matthew looks at him, a little worried. "What's wrong? For real this time."
Matty is the gentle of the three Lynch brothers, he's all their mothers where he and Declan had all the worst traits of their father, but Ronan knows that he can be firm too. Especially when he's worried and he wants an answer.
So Ronan closes his eyes and admits: "I fucked up, and I don't know what to do to make it better."
"Say sorry," Matthew says, immediately, like it's the obvious thing to do.
"What if I'm not sorry about what I did?" he wonders out loud. It should be funny, really, but it's really not.
He opens his eyes then, looking at his brother, and sees nothing but understanding there. Matthew doesn't judge him, doesn't think that Ronan is in the wrong. He really has too much faith in Ronan.
"If you're not sorry, then why do you think you fucked up?" Matthew asks him, picking up one of his books.
Ronan doesn't remember if Matthew even knows about Adam's existence, but at this point he doesn't care. He wants Matty to know. He wants to tell him.
He wants them to meet.
"Because I like him," he says, honestly, "and I'm sorry I did something he didn't like."
His brother looks pensive at that and then he asks, out loud: "Are you sure he didn't?"
Ronan almost laughs, shaking his head. "He said he couldn't..."
"That isn't a I don't want to," Matthew points out, immediately. "Maybe he couldn't for some other reasons. I can't believe he doesn't like you too."
"A lot of people don't like me," he informs his brother with a laugh.
Matty only shrugs. "Because you're an asshole to them. But if you treat him like you treat me? I'm sure he likes you as well."
Ronan wants to blush, but he refuses to. He sits up and messes up Matthew's hairs. His brother squacks and pushes him away, but he's smiling, young and carefree.
"You're very wise for being an asswipe," Ronan says, and Matty smirks at him, the little shit.
"So, why don't you tell me who is this person you like very much?" he pushes, putting away his books.
"Don't you have to study?" he wonders, annoyed, but Matty only shugs.
"This is much more interesting."
Ronan can't argue, it really is.

That night he's getting ready to go to Adam's greenhouse when one of the guards finds him in the stable. He looks worried, like everyone who goes to talk with Ronan, but he still advances towards him.
"Uhm. I'm sorry Sir Lynch, there's... there's someone out of the door..." the guard tells him, a little unsure.
He looks young. It doesn't matter that Ronan is young too, he knows that most of the new recruits have heard too many things about him to not be terrified.
Honestly, it's a little flattering.
"Who is it?" he wonders, continuing to put the saddle on BMW. If it's something he doesn't care about he can just ride away and ignore them.
If it's Declan he will most certainly ride away and ignore them, but ask the guard to go back to his brother and inform him that Ronan is ignoring him.
He doesn't expect the guard to say: "He said his name was Parrish?"
Ronan almost drops what he has in his hands there and there and turn towards the guard. "Adam Parrish?" he asks, feeling his cloth close up.
"Yes, Sir. Do you want me to tell him that you're bu-" before the guard can even finish, Ronan hands him what he has in his arms.
"Can you please remove the saddle from my horse?" he asks, already walking towards the exit.
"Wait, Sir! I..." the guard tries to stop him, but Ronan really doesn't care.
He jogs towards the entrance that is used by the normal folks and can spot Adam in front of it.
They haven't seen each other in three days so Ronan isn't really surprised when Adam is exactly the same as when he had left him,
He looks tired, but that seems to be a given with Adam.
When the other notices his arrival, he seems to pick himself up, and Ronan notices that he has a little basket in his hands.
"Adam..." Ronan says,whispers almost like a prayer. "What are you doing here?"
Adam hesitates a second before rising the basket and handing it to him. "I made the potion for you," he explained. "You're almost out and... I didn't want you to dream without it."
Ronan takes the basket, but can't look down from Adam's face. Even amidst all this, Adam thought about him.
About this.
"Thank you," he tells him, honestly. Ronan was ready to spend a couple of weeks without the potions. He had done it all his life, he was sure he could survive now as well, but he can't hide the fact that he's relieved.
They stand there, looking at each other, before Adam's eyes harden. He's preparing himself to do something, and Ronan doesn't know if it's something he'll like.
"Can we go somewhere? I need to show you something," Adam says, and Ronan nods immediately. Uncaring of anything else.
He hands the basket to one of the other guards, with precise instructions about where and how to keep it, and then he follows Adam outside.
Adam looks resoute while he guides Ronan through the streets of the city, down along the main road and then down again towards the edge of the city, in the complete opposite direction from Fox's Way and the church.
There is no hesitation in Adam's step, he knows where he's going, and he walks almost too fast for Ronan to keep up.
Someone might think this is the image of someone eager to reach his destination, but Ronan knows better. He can see the nervous set of Adam's shoulders and the way his eyes darken and harden every step forward they take.
Adam is going to show Ronan his nightmare, and Ronan is broken up in two. On one hand he wants to know, wants to see every part of Adam, even the ugly ones, on the other hand he doesn't want Adam to suffer any more than he already has.
Still, this is Adam's decision and so Ronan will follow him for as long as the other leads.
They stop after a while, in front of what looks like a shack. It looks too small even for a single person.
Adam doesn't say something immediately and Ronan waits. "This is my parent's house," Adam starts, looking at it. He doesn't turn towards Ronan, makes sure his voice doesn't waver. "My father worked for some farmers, my mother tried to find work here and there, but they were mostly always without a job."
He stops and Ronan wants to take his hand, wants to tell him that he doesn't care where Adam comes from. Ronan's family was one of the wealthiest around, and all was left of it were three brothers who couldn't figure out how to talk to each other.
Then, Adam continues. "My father hit me," he says it without any connotation, like he's saying something somthing normal and not a monumental secret.
Like those words don't make Ronan boil with rage. If he was alone he would go inside that little shack and kill everyone in there. Find that scum and hit him until Ronan's knuckle were bloodied.
But it's not what Adam needs.
"He's the reason I'm deaf from one ear," Adam continues, "and so I searched for a job. Fox's way needed someone to tend to their herbs and help them with creating potions and I'm... I'm good with plants. So I found a job and I left and I've never looked back."
Ronan doesn't know what he's supposed to do. Adam isn't someone who needs his pity, or even wants it. He most certainly doesn't want Ronan to go on a rampage for him or cry for him.
Maybe, he just wants Ronan to see.
"You have a house now, and it's just yours," Ronan says, echoing how Adam talked about his own little house above the church.
He understands now, the pride in Adam's voice. The happiness.
Adam turns towards him, a fire in his eyes. "Yes, but this is where I come from, Ronan. And some days I can't shake the dirt off me, some days it's like I never left. You're... you're a knight in the royal court. Who am I?"
Ronan finally takes a step towards Adam, taking one of his hands. "That's bullshit," he says, puttin behind the words as much rage as he can. "You got out of here with your own two hands. I'm a knight because I'm Gansey's friend, because violence is part of my DNA and I don't know what else to do. I saw my father's dead corpse and ever since then I've been angry and dangerous."
He looks at Adam and thinks to the potion that are waiting for him at the castle. "I dream terrible creatures that try to kill me every night and I some days I'm so angry that I don't care who I hurt."
He raises another hand, trying to cup Adam's face, but this time he goes slowly, gives the other all the time in the world to pull back and rejoice when the other doesn't.
"We're fucked up, Parrish, who the fuck cares."
It might not be the most romantic of declarations but Adam laughs, incredulous.
"That's the least romantic shit anyone has ever said to me," Adam tells him, but the small smile that light up his face is enough for Ronan. Is everything he wants.
"Yeah? It's working?" Ronan whispers, looking into Adam's eyes. They look even better up close and Ronan feels himself drown in them.
He wonders if there's any way for him to freeze his moment, to dream it tonight and then take it out of his dreams. Just Adam, looking at him this way.
"I don't even know why, but yes." This time it's Adam that kisses him, taking Ronan's shirt with his hand and dragging him forward so that their mouths can meet.
It's different from the first kiss, where Ronan had been desperate to prove his point and Adam had melted down under his touch.
This time around Adam is fire in Ronan's hands, alive in a way that's almost intoxicating.
He's the one that calls the shots, who decides the pace and Ronan lets him.
This is all he ever wanted.

The next day, Ronan is seated on his usual spot, watching Adam work but there is something incredible about knowing that he could just reach out and touch Adam.
If he wanted he could call him by his side and kiss him.
He won’t, because Adam’s work is important and Ronan can wait until the others takes a break and then Adam will come on his own.
That, he thinks, it’s even more important.
So he closes his eyes and thinks he might even sleep, he knows that with Adam there he has nothing to fear.